Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize