Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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