is your mom at the bar?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
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Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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