yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This is my gift to your gina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
