I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
