At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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