I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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