Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Alive.
So much puke
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
