oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
