I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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