Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
