I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
