someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
