Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
