when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
