I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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