You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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