I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
