apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
