i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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