just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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