good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
