i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
