since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
