The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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