yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
