they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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