He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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