My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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