just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
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