My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
