I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
