She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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