At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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