Betty ford says i'm here all night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
