Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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