He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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