Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
