If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
