I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
