Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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