i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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