and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my liver is dry heaving
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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