Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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