I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
