Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
