Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
