thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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