Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
