I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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