for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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