Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
