Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
