I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
