I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
