I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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